I think i've written before about my 'take' on death. In a cold way - it's the only thing in life we're sure about. It's the only thing in life we'll never be able to avoid. I'm not a heartless person...so I can't say I'm not effected by death. In one way or another...we all are.
But I keep thinking about Grasak. He visits me just as I lay down to sleep. His smile, exposing the slight gap between his two front teeth, seems to follow me. For some reason I keep torturing myself with the thoughts of how his last moments were. With that scenario of a wall of snow repeating itself over and over.
I spoke to Pasa from Klub Spavalaca 2000. He assured me that Grasak 'nije imao kad' to suffer. Meaning he had no time whatsoever after the avalanche had him in its grip.
I try to ignore the mahalanje about Vanja, who was his wife to be. To be honest, although it may be a juicy theme for those who didn't know him...for those who do it's an ugly reality that this poor girl has to face. I will not publicly discuss this young ladies dilemma.
I'm amazed at the capacity of this town to turn everything into a soap opera. I guess in a way its admirable the way we deal with death here. Even at the funeral I was standing to the back at the memorial service. Many people could not fit and gathered at the door. There must have been a handful of 5 or 6 people - all men of course - who were talking (very loudly) about their cars, jobs and whatever else came to mind. I was so angry. It was so inappropriate. People were trying to mourn. Yet people around me were either numb to it or simply learned to ignore it. I wanted to slap them upside their heads. I never want to slap anyone.
Then Grasak came to mind. And he just shrugged his shoulders and smiled...as if to say, 'ma, koga jebi druze.' And he was right.
So many things in life are 'out of sight out of mind.' Grasak is not one of them. He is still here...and my guess is that he won't be leaving us anytime soon.
I wonder who it is that is having a hard time letting go....him or us.